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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28893285">A Letter That Will Never Be Sent</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Cant_Decide/pseuds/I_Cant_Decide'>I_Cant_Decide</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Child Abuse, Cutting, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, Letters, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 3 Spoilers, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:22:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28893285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Cant_Decide/pseuds/I_Cant_Decide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Catra was punished for the portal incident, and she wasn’t able to overpower Hordak? Catra deals with hallucinations, guilt, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts. She uses writing to cope, among other more unhealthy methods.</p><p>This fic will go to some very dark places, make sure to read the tags so you know what you’re getting into.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora/Catra (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I started this a week or 2 ago but I hated how it began so I just deleted everything during a mental breakdown lol</p><p>Anyways I rewrote the first chapter so here it is! Much better.</p><p>Also, this takes place right after season 3. I’m writing this when all 5 seasons have come out but I just thought it would be cool to explore this concept.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A broken mirror - it’s fractured pieces mocking the even more broken face that states into it. Despite all odds, the shards stay together. In the center of the glass, a ring of cracks from the impact of a fist circles the reflection of her face. The face of a broken, crumbling woman.</p><p>Catra.</p><p>Her heterochromatic eyes bore holes into the ones in the shattered reflection. Her eyelids were swollen and red, her cheeks stained with the never ending flood of tears. She did not blink - she couldn’t. The tears flowing from her eyes burned, but she couldn’t close them. She couldn’t.</p><p>But at last, she did.</p><p>Her eyes opened as quickly as they shut, but her reflection had changed in that split second. Half of her face was missing - replaced with the dark crumbling void of her anger. Her right arm had the same disturbingly real effect, cracking at its edges as it connected with the rest of her body.</p><p>Catra shot backward, her fangs bared and claws unsheathed. Though usually quick on her feet, Catra was much slower and weaker. The corruption on her reflection had disappeared, and all that stood in the glass was the disheveled body that attempted a fight response.</p><p>‘It.. it’s not real...’ Catra attempted to reassure herself in her mind. She looked down, thoroughly examining her right arm. She still had the light tan color of her fur as well as a few stripes. No corruption. She slowly relaxed and walked back to the mirror.</p><p>She slumped her body over the vanity’s desk and held her head up with her arms on the surface. Her eyes closed and she took a long, shaken breath.</p><p>“It’s not real... it’s not real... it’s not real...” Catra whispered to herself, trying her hardest to forget who she was. The corrupted monster in the alternate dimension. That wasn’t the real her, right? It was an alternate version of her. So why did those memories feel so... real?</p><p>When her eyes opened again, dread shot through her body.</p><p>
  <i>Black.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Crumbling.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>Corrupted.</b>
  </i>
</p><p>Screams reverberated through Catra’s quarters. The corruption was not gone. Her arm still pulsates with dark, twisted energy.</p><p>
  <i>‘You can’t escape what you’ve done...’</i>
</p><p>Catra, in a panic, unsheathed the claws on her left hand.</p><p>
  <i>‘You’ve made your choice.’</i>
</p><p>The voice in her head slowly turned from her inner monologue into Adora’s.</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>‘Now live with it!’</b>
  </i>
</p><p>Claws dig deep into her right arm, slicing the top layer of skin horizontally. Tears flow freely from her face, and another scream escapes her mouth.</p><p>Pain shoots from the claw marks, up her arm, and can even be faintly felt in her shoulder. As Catra blinks again, the corruption was finally gone. But this time, her tan arm had more stripes.</p><p>‘Heh... that would be funny if... if it didn’t hurt so badly...’ Catra thinks to herself. Crimson flows from the wound, and speckles of blood quickly dry on her claws. She falls to her knees on the floor, hunched over forward.</p><p>‘I’m fucking going crazy now... what is wrong with me...’</p><p>A frantic knock on her door cut Catra’s thoughts short.</p><p>“Catra?! Are you okay? I heard you scream, I just wanted to ma-“</p><p>“I’m fine, go away!” Catra cut off Scorpia’s worried voice from the other side of the door. She wasn’t exactly too convincing, since her voice was hoarse from crying. She still had a commanding edge to it, though.</p><p>“Are you sure? What happened in there?”</p><p>“Nothing, are you dense? Go away!” Catra yelled back, but this time with more edge in her voice.</p><p>Scorpia hesitates a few moments before responding. “Okay... just call me on the communicator badge if you need anything, okay wildcat? I care about you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t.”</p><p>Scorpia wanted more than anything to bust this door down and hug Catra. Sure, what she did to Entrapta was messed up. And threatening her with a stun gun so she could open the portal was also pretty messed up. And... opening the portal in general was messed up. But she was under a lot of stress, and friends are there for each other, no matter what. She most likely could break this door down with just her sheer strength, but she respected Catra’s privacy and didn’t want to infringe upon it.</p><p>“I can hear you’re still there. LEAVE ALREADY!” Catra stood up and shouted at the door.</p><p>“O-okay, leaving!” Scorpia frantically called back and began to walk away. She worried for Catra, but there was nothing she could do for her now.</p><p>Catra sighed and clenched her firsts. ‘Great, pushing everyone away. That’s just what I do best, isn’t it?’ Maybe Catra wanted someone to comfort her, but she’d never admit it to herself. And even if she did, she doesn’t want Scorpia to be the one to do it. There’s only one person who could make her feel even a little bit better. But that person hates her now. And she always will. And it’s all her fault.</p><p>She slowly walks back over to the vanity, her hand gripped around the claw marks tightly. Though it stings, a strange feeling of release comes with it as well. She lays her arm down on the desk and slowly takes her hand off of the wound. The feeling burns like hell. But an even greater pain returns when her vision flashes again.</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>Corrupted.</b>
  </i>
</p><p>“Graaaah!” The flame of hatred within her flares up again as gasoline in the form of fear is tossed onto it. Catra grabs one of the broken shards and digs it into the dark void of an arm. As soon as the glass penetrates her skin, and physical pain is felt at last, the corrupted disappears.</p><p>But she doesn’t stop.</p><p>
  <i>’Cut the pain away.’</i>
</p><p>
  <i>‘You fucking deserve this.’</i>
</p><p>
  <i>‘Feel the pain you inflict on others.’</i>
</p><p>
  <i>‘You’ll never win.’</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>‘Live with it.’</b>
  </i>
</p><p>Her thoughts continue to become more and more terrible, but she can’t control it. All she can do is focus on the pain in her arm, that is now covered in cuts and gashes. Her chest heaves as she struggles for air between her sobs.</p><p>As Catra stands up, her head feels very light and her vision begins to grow staticky. She can’t feel or see anything. With a loud thump, she falls backward onto the metal floor, unconscious.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Catra had no idea how long had passed before she woke up. It felt like hours, maybe even days, but in reality it was probably less than an hour. As soon as she had regained consciousness, she noticed the wet, sticky feeling beside her and numbness in her arm. She turned her head and looked at the mess she had made. ‘Great... not only will Hordak punish me for the portal not working, but also for <strike>killing Entrapta</strike> being injured.’ Hordak was not kind when it came to punishment. Shadow Weaver wasn’t either, but hers was more mental rather than physical. Catra couldn’t tell which she hated more.</p><p>Slowly, Catra picks herself up off the ground. As she sits up, making sure not to put pressure on her bloodied arm, she notices the dresser her room came with. She never paid much attention to it, since she was fine with her regular outfit. But she wasn’t anymore. She needed a way to hide this... mistake from Hordak.</p><p>Catra shambles over to the dresser and opens it. She reaches in and grabs the first outfit that catches her eye. The clothing matches her color scheme nicely, and has an arm sleeve on the right arm.</p><p>Perfect.</p><p>Catra quickly changes into the new outfit. As she pulls the sleeve on, she clenches her teeth and sucks breath in to try not to cry. Did the sleeve really have to be so tight?! Finally, though, her outfit was complete. Now, just to wash off the blood and wrap her arm. A journey to the locker room couldn’t be too hard. Just try not to get caught.</p><p>The locker room was luckily empty. Most of the cadets were practicing and studying already, despite it being only two days after the... incident. Hordak’s sanctum is in ruins, but revenge stops for nothing.</p><p>
  <i>’You know about revenge all too well, don’t you?’</i>
</p><p>Catra shook her head as a feeble attempt to rid herself of her intrusive thoughts. She never really could make them stop, but she could make them quieter. </p><p>‘Focus in the task at hand, Catra.’ She scolded herself and pulled her sleeve up quickly.</p><p>“Fuck!” Catra clenched her jaw as stinging pain rushed through her body.</p><p>
  <i>‘You insignificant pest. Taking things too fast. You’re a failure at everything.’</i>
</p><p>She reached out and slowly turned the sink on. She stared at the running water, unable to move her arm under.</p><p>
  <i>‘Insolent child...’</i>
</p><p>She shook ever so slightly as she moved her arm closer to the water. Finally, she allowed the water to wash away the dried blood. Of course, it stung like crazy, but Catra was too scared to really care too much about the pain.</p><p>“There you are wildcat!”</p><p>Catra jumped almost as high as the ceiling when Scorpia’s voice appeared behind her.</p><p>“Woah there, I didn’t mean to startle ya!”</p><p>Catra, too focused on trying not to let Scorpia see her arm, said nothing in response. She quickly grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her arm and hands.</p><p>“Catra?”</p><p>“You didn’t startle me!” Catra spun around and snapped defensively at Scorpia. “I’m washing my hands, what do you want?”</p><p>“Well, I know you didn’t really want to talk in your room, and trust me that’s a-okay! But since we’re in the locker room now, I thought it would be the perfect time to tell you about what I’ve been doing lately.”</p><p>Catra, who was about to tell Scorpia to shut it, realized how distracted by her own talking she was and took that moment to dry the rest of her arm and pull her sleeve down.</p><p>“Wait, did you get a new outfit? I love it! That sleeve is awesome, and those thigh highs?” Scorpia chuckles. “Wow, I wish I could pull those off. But you do it p-“</p><p>“Yeah, whatever. Just get to the point before I go back to my room.”</p><p>“Oh, right! As I was saying, I’ve been writing my feelings lately. You know, since the Horde and everything is kinda in ruins from the... incident-“</p><p>Catra’s ear twitched and she scowled at the mention of that.</p><p>“-I’ve been feeling a little under the weather. But writing my feelings has really helped a lot! I can tell you’re dealing with a lot of stress too, I thought it might be useful for you too.”</p><p>“Why would I write how I feel? Other people could find that, and the last thing I would want is for someone to read my ‘diary’ with all my feelings and shit. That could easily be used against me.”</p><p>“Well, that’s why you keep it hidden! I personally keep mine in my locker since it has a lock.” Scorpia pointed a claw toward her locker, the one with a few drawings taped to the front.</p><p>“Yeah, well, whatever. I need to go now,” Catra told Scorpia in a hurry before fast walking down the hall. Scorpia responded, but Catra didn’t care enough to listen.</p><p>Writing your feelings? That’s stupid, the horde always taught us to ignore our emotions. Emotions are useless, and only get in the way of our duties.</p><p>Catra finally arrives at her quarters and locks the door behind her as she walks in. She sits down at her desk, the one across the room from her vanity.</p><p>She has so many terrible thoughts; hatred, anger, resentment, regret. Maybe writing them down wouldn’t hurt. Maybe she could focus better with them on paper instead of in her head...</p><p>Catra grabs a notepad from her desk drawer and sets it on the desk. She picks up her pencil, and with a shakey hand, begins to write...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Cycle of Abuse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra writes her first letter and faces the consequences of her past actions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Hey Adora,<br/>
I bet you’re wondering why I’m writing to you.<br/>
Well, actually, you’re not, because I’m never going to send this to your stupid little princess castle.<br/>
And if somehow you’re reading this, it means it’s too late.<br/>
I’ve finally finished what Shadow Weaver started so many years ago.<br/>
I probably jumped off of a building; do you think that little spot we used to hang out would be a good place? That spot still reminds me of you. Of us. What we had, and what we could’ve been if <strike>I hadn’t</strike> you hadn’t fucked everything up.<br/>
Or maybe I’ll hang myself off of the pipes in the barracks we used to sleep together in. It’s the last place I remember feeling genuinely happy. This new room just feels like a prison cell, counting my days until someone puts me out of my fucking misery.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But you don’t care, do you? You hate me now. And I hate you. If you wrote me a letter I would just rip it up without reading, because I know you’d do the same. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Fuck you,<br/>
Catra</i>
</p><p>Catra sets her pencil down and runs her fingers through her slightly bristling mane. She hadn’t noticed until now, but a couple tears had fallen onto the paper, signifying to herself that she’s crying. Angrily, Catra wipes her sleeved arm across her eyes.</p><p>“God- fucking Christ!” Catra gasps as her wounded arm rubs against the fabric and her face. For a second, she wishes her arm didn’t hurt so badly. But quickly pushed the thought away. She deserves this, after all.</p><p>A sharp knock on the door cuts through her thoughts.</p><p>“Message from Lord Hordak!”</p><p>Catra’s heart drops at the mention of Hordak.</p><p>
  <i>He knows what you did. He knows where Entrapta is. He knows of your failure. He knows of your betrayal. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows. He know-</i>
</p><p>“C-Catra? Did you hear me? I know you’re in there.”</p><p>“Yes Kyle, I fucking heard you!” Paranoia quickly turns into anger. The sound of her sharp, commanding voice ricochets off of the walls of her room. Anyone would be frightened if confronted with that voice. Anyone except Hordak.</p><p>“Um... Hordak said it was urgent. He made it clear he didn’t want to be kept wai-“</p><p>Catra’s door slams open. A shaking, frightened Kyle jumps back mid-sentence.</p><p>“Why the hell did he pick you of all people to be his messenger boy? Now that Entrapta’s gone, he had to pick the second most dense person to do his dirty work?” Catra walks up to Kyle, who was cowering slightly. Her slit pupils stare at him for a few moments, before chuckling half-heartedly. “Go crawl back to Rogelio before someone hurts you. Everyone knows you couldn’t survive a day without him protecting you.” Her hand pushed Kyle aside as she began to walk down the hallway.</p><p>Catra’s ear points backward as she hears a deep, shakey breath. “Sounds a little familiar, don’t you think?”</p><p>Catra spins around backward to face the strangely bold boy. She growls, and has an obvious frown on her face as well as claws unsheathed.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry, you should go. Hordak will be mad if you keep him waiting.” Kyle turns around and runs down the hall from where he came.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Run away, that’s all you’re good for! ...Well not me!” Catra calls down the hallway before turning and fast walking toward Hordak’s sanctum.</p><p>~~~</p><p>“About time,” the deep voice of a figure cloaked in shadow proclaims from atop his throne.</p><p>“Lord Hordak- you wanted to see me?”</p><p>Hordak stands up. The deathly green lights from behind him conceal his face in darkness. Catra can’t determine his emotion. She shivers a little and gets an idea quickly from his next words.</p><p>“Kneel, wretch.”</p><p>The glow of a purple substance encases Catra within it, illuminating Hordak’s face in the process. He has a deep, angry scowl plastered across his features.</p><p>Before Catra could respond, or even do what was asked of her, she realizes what is happening. She falls to her knees, and attempts to choke in a breath... but the air is gone. This has happened before. Her heart is racing a million miles an hour, and her chest thumps with pain.</p><p>“Catra. You set off the portal without my expressed permission. The rebellion has broken free of my grasp and left my sanctum in ruins because of your failure. You have failed me one too many times, Catra. Entrapta is not here to save you this time.”</p><p>Catra puts a hand around her throat, trying and trying to breathe in. Her head is now pulsating with pain, like someone is hitting her skull with a bat. Tears well up in her already red, burning eyes.</p><p>Hordak is now standing over Catra’s convulsing body. “You have never been anything more than a failure to the Horde. You are a stain on this great empire.”</p><p>
  <i>This is it. This is how I die. I wish I could have killed myself before someone else beat me to it. But I never get my way. I never win. I’m just a failure who led a failure of a life. At least it’s all over now...<i></i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The pain suddenly stops, but no air fills her lungs. A calming sensation runs through Catra’s body, and she falls on her side. She can’t move. Everything is fading into black, yet somehow she can see herself laying on the floor. What a waste.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Goodbye... Adora...</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>~~~</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Light slowly begins to fill her vision. Everything is blurry, but after a few moments, Catra can make out where she is. She’s in the locker room. Everything is quiet, she feels calm, maybe even a little happy. She suddenly remembers what she is doing - Adora was practicing her fight simulations with Lonnie, which left Catra alone. Dinner just ended, so she was granted a few hours of free time before everyone was required to sleep. She decided to spend that time drawing something for Adora.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Wait... she hasn’t drawn since she was at most seven years old.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Catra looks over at the lockers, and walks up to them. She is significantly shorter than she remembers.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Before she could question herself, she hears someone yelling to themself and coming up the hallway to the locker room. Her skin begins to crawl and her heart beats faster as though she has a primal reaction to the sound.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Shadow Weaver.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Catra quickly looks around, trying to find her locker to try to appear busy, but she can’t seem to remember which one is hers. She wishes Adora was here. She’s terrified. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You pathetic whelp! Why aren’t you training?!” Shadow Weaver screams from across the room. Shadowy tendrils outstretch from her dark form toward a cowering Catra. “You are the dirt beneath my feet. You are worth nothing if not training or studying.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“B-but... the t-eachers said I could... I could have free time...” Catra stutters, trying her best to explain herself to Shadow Weaver.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I could not care less what those imbeciles say to you. You are nothing, do you hear me?!” The dark magic envelopes Catra and lifts her up off the ground. A stinging sensation runs through her body and immobilizes her. She wants to scream in pain, but she can’t.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I would have extirpated you by now if it was not for Adora. You are a disgrace to the Horde, you are the scum of Etheria. Now drown like the animal you are!” The shadowy grip finally releases Catra’s body, but a strong hand grips her mane instead. She is drug over to the locker room sink by her hair, and watches through tear-filled eyes as the sink fills with water.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Finally, her head is pushed under. Catra has no time to stop her hyperventilating, and as her head is dunked into the cold, metal sink, her lungs fill with water. Her head is throbbing with agony from the asphyxiation and hand holding her down.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Everything is dark and blurry. She’s fading fast into the darkness. Even the pain is beginning to fade. <i>Help me, Adora...</i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>~~~</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Good, your awake! Oh my- oh no, don’t sit up so fast hun, you’ll hurt yourself-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Catra shot up, gasping for breath. Finally, air. Not lethal gas, not water, but air.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“How old am I?!”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The nurse standing beside Catra’s bed lifted a brow curiously. “Oh dear, you must have really had a number done on ya’. Well let’s see here-“ The nurse, who appears to be a reptilian person, picks up a clipboard on the desk beside Catra’s bed. “Says here you’re eighteen years old, sweetie. You’ve been in a coma for about a day.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Catra sighs a breath of relief upon hearing her age. She’s not a helpless child anymore, and Shadow Weaver isn’t here anymore.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>... </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
      <i>But she might as well be, because I’m still in the same position as I was all those years ago.</i>
</p><p>
      <i>Nothing will ever change.</i>
</p><p>
      <i>I’ll never change.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>...</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
      <i>Death is the only way out.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The only good part about having a bad day is that I’m in the mood to write sad shit lol. So here you go, chapter two. Please leave a comment if you like the story so far, it really encourages me to write more &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Locked away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra finds a hiding spot for her letters, while digging herself deeper into her hole.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Hey Adora,<br/>I almost died yesterday, but not how you’d expect.<br/>Sadly, I didn’t have time to consider the options I asked you about, because Hordak had other plans.<br/>He tortured me by suffocation and I passed out, I thought hoped for sure he had killed me.<br/>Did you know you were the last thing I thought of before I blacked out?<br/>It’s fucking pathetic, because I hate you.<br/>The nurse noticed the cuts all over my arm and treated them with a bandage. She doesn’t give a shit why I did it though. No one does.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Do you remember that time Shadow Weaver tried drowning me in the sink because the Black Garnet rejected her? Of course you don’t, because you’re a naive little bitch who never knew what was going on.<br/>Well anyways, I had a really vivid dream of that while in a coma and I had an epiphany when I woke up.<br/>I need to kill myself.<br/>I was never cut out for this life.<br/>You were the only person who ever cared about me, and I hate you for it.<br/>You gave me love just to rip it away and watch me suffer.<br/>You gave me hope, but hope is worthless when the source is gone.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I hope you stab yourself with your sword,<br/>Catra</i>
</p><p>Catra sets her pencil down and runs a hand down the back of her mane. Though she hates to admit it, Scorpia was right. Writing her feelings down does help, even if just a little bit.</p><p>She leans back in her chair and stares up at the ceiling. Just about every room in the Fright Zone seems to have exposed pipes and wires rather than an actual ceiling. <i>‘Guess the architects here knew people would want to hang themselves any chance they got. Lots of places to tie a rope,’</i> Catra chuckles to herself. </p><p>Eventually, Catra turns her head back down to look at the paper in front of her. She didn’t cry while writing this time. Perhaps she’s run out of tears to cry, or maybe her emotions are just fading into apathy. Maybe both. Catra didn’t really care though, as she’s currently faced with a different problem.</p><p><i>‘Where am I supposed to hide these?’</i> Catra thinks to herself. She could hide them in her locker like Scorpia does, but that comes with risks. The Fright Zone has a mandatory drug search every month for the lower ranking cadets, and since everyone here is dense as a rock, they don’t know how to train dogs. Which means of course a person will be looking through her things. Talk about zero privacy.</p><p>But she isn’t a lower ranking cadet. In fact, Catra isn’t exactly sure what she is anymore. She still has her own room, and she hasn’t been assigned any tasks ever since the... portal incident.</p><p><i>‘Wait, what if I just take my locker’s lock and put it on my desk?’</i> Catra grinned, the first genuine smile she’s felt in a long time. But it didn’t last long, because she was already shoving the paper into her desk drawer and then walking toward the door.</p><p>But, almost as if on queue, someone knocks on her door before she can grab the handle. Great.</p><p>“Hey Catra! Are y-“</p><p>Catra opens the door, just inches away from hitting Scorpia in the face.</p><p>“There’s my wildcat! I heard what happened with Hordak, I just wanted to give you a little something to cheer you up!” Scorpia is holding a delicate little flower in her claws. The blossom is pink and appears to have come from a cactus.</p><p>Catra says nothing, and just stares at the little gift. She’s not sure how to respond. <i>‘Is this some sort of joke? Is Scorpia mocking me? She knows I set off the portal, she knows I deserve what Hordak did.’</i></p><p>“Oh, hah, silly me! You’re probably wondering where I got it, since the Fright Zone doesn’t grow flowers or... any plants really. Well I picked it from a cactus in the crimson waste. I wanted to keep it as a reminder of our time together there, but I just thought it would be better to cheer you up.” Scorpia outstretches her claws to give the flower to Catra</p><p>Catra looks down at the flower with a sullen expression. <i>‘I failed Scorpia... we.. we could’ve been happy in the crimson waste. I don’t deserve this gift. If she still cares about me, then she’s an idiot.’</i></p><p>“Well keep it, because I don’t want your gift.” Catra pushes Scorpia’s claw away. “Are you seriously still trying to be nice to me? After I... after what happened with Entrapta? After I opened the portal, and threatened you? What the hell is wrong with you?”</p><p>Scorpia holds her claw to her chest, and looks down at the ground. “That’s what friends do, Catra.” She slowly looks back up at the cat girl’s face. “We forgive and forget.”</p><p>“Forgive and forget? That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve heard you say, and that’s really saying something. Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to me. And I’m not your friend.” Catra begins to walk past Scorpia.</p><p>“Wait! Catra, please, I’m worried about you.” Scorpia turns around to look at Catra.</p><p>Catra clenches her hands into fists, feeling her claws dig into her palms. She swiftly turns around and yells, “How many times am I going to have to hurt you to get you to stop caring? Leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want you and I don’t want your worry, or pity, or whatever else useless emotion you feel about me!” Catra gave Scorpia no time to respond before she spun back around and began running down the hallway.</p><p>Once she arrives in the locker room, Catra wastes no time putting her number combo into the lock and then taking it off. She opens her locker, then hesitates for a moment. Inside are regular things such as workout clothes, deodorant, and a hairbrush. But on one of the shelves is a small stack of papers. Wearily, Catra extends a hand to grab the piece of paper on top and look at it.</p><p>Catra shudders when she instantly realizes what this is. What all these papers are. On the paper is a drawing of her and Adora holding hands. The art is definitely not the best, but what was being conveyed is still recognizable. This is Catra’s art; she must have forgotten about them in her locker years ago.</p><p>The cat girl’s tail flicks slightly as she grabs the small stack. The second picture is Adora smiling. The third is her and Adora, similar to the one she carved on what used to be their bunk. The fourth is herself, but frowning. The fifth seems to be of the Fright Zone, but she can’t be sure due to the drawing being done by her seven year old self.</p><p>Catra drops the stack when she sees the last drawing. She had drawn herself covered in what looked like blood, with darkness surrounding her. The picture was mainly just angry scribbles, but the memories surrounding it are what scared her. She drew this after Shadow Weaver had abused her for failing a test. The picture brings back memories of how worthless, how much of a failure she felt like.</p><p>... She still feels the same way, though.</p><p>Catra’s thought process was broken when she heard footsteps coming up the hallway. In a panic, Catra collected all of the drawings and crumpled them up into a ball.</p><p>“Hey Catra,” the goat woman and her lizard friend from the Crimson Waste entered the room. Right, Catra never bothered to know their names. Who cares. Catra quickly shoved the ball of paper into her locker and slammed it shut.</p><p>“What do you two want?! I thought you scampered back to the Crimson Waste.”</p><p>“Well, uh, technically you’re our leader now since you defeated Tung Lashor. We haven’t heard any commands from you the past few days, so we decided to come ask.” The lizard girl nodded in agreement to her goat friend.</p><p>“I’m nobody’s leader. I’m not going back to the Crimson Waste and I don’t care enough to give you any stupid commands. Go ask Hordak what to do, or run back to your dusty ass desert. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”</p><p>“Um, I-I don’t mean to infringe on your privacy or anything, but is everything okay? You seem really off ever since-“</p><p>“YES!” Catra yells at the goat woman. “I’m doing just great! Now fuck off!” She shouts.</p><p>“Y-yes Catra,” the woman replies before grabbing her lizard friend’s arm and hurrying back down the hall the way they came. “That girl’s a nut...” she whispers to her friend, just out of earshot of Catra.</p><p>Catra bores holes into the two’s backs as they walk away, until they turn a corner. Then she just stares at the wall where they were. She just stares.</p><p>
  <i>‘The less they care, the less I’ll miss them when they abandon me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The less they care, the less they’ll miss me when I’m gone.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>It’s better this way.’</i>
</p><p>Catra gradually shifts her gaze from the blank stare at the wall, back to her locker. She opens the door once again and takes the wad of paper and lock. Her legs drag her over to the garbage can next to the doorway. Shreds of paper fall into the bin. What a useless memory.</p><p>Once she arrives at her room, Catra makes sure to lock the door behind her. She then hooks the loop on her drawer and closes the lock. She’ll be safe behind the locks. She’ll be safe alone.</p><p>For tonight, anyways.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope this fanfic doesn’t come across as mindless self indulgence, because that’s kinda what it is lol. I haven’t been inspired to draw so I’m taking my feelings out on poor Catra.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Xxxicide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra is alone with her thoughts until Hordak decides he has plans for her.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Hey Adora,<br/>I think I finally got Scorpia to leave me alone.<br/>I think this is what I want. No one left to care about me. No one left to get in my way.<br/>Those goons from the Crimson Waste left too. I don’t blame them, why would anyone want to be stuck in this hell hole?<br/>Hordak still hasn’t given me any orders since he tried to kill me. I’d never admit this to anyone, but I’m scared. I’m not scared to die, I’m scared of the torture I know he would put me through again. Especially if he found out what I did to Entrapta.<br/>...<br/>Okay, maybe I am scared of death too. I guess that’s why I haven’t killed myself yet... I know there’s no hope left for me. No one left to care for me. No use in trying to move up the ranks.<br/>So there, I guess I admit it. I’m scared. I don’t know if the pain will end after I’m gone. For what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m sent straight to hell. I’d deserve it, after all.<br/>I haven’t been eating anything. Scorpia would make me eat, but since she finally got the hint, she hasn’t bothered me about it anymore. I haven’t been sleeping either. Every time I try, I’m haunted by nightmares. They always ask me why I did it.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Why did I do it?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I don’t know. But I’m not sorry.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I don’t think so anyways.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>...</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i><strike>I </strike>You made me do it. I hope it haunts <strike>me</strike> you for the rest of your life.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i><strike>I’m</strike> You’re a terrible person,<br/>Catra</i>
</p>
<p>Catra aggressively writes the last couple words before unlocking her drawer and shoving the paper inside. She couldn’t stand feeling vulnerable, even if just on paper. After locking the drawer back up, Catra stumbles over to her hard, uncomfortable bed. She lays down on her back and stares up at the ceiling. The clock hanging on the wall ticks quietly, the time reading one o’clock in the morning. A couple days have passed since she blew up on Scorpia, and she hasn’t seen her around since. Not that Catra leaves her room much anymore.</p>
<p>Her hand weakly grips the sleeve covering her left arm. She rolls the fabric up to expose the scars from her first breakdown after the portal incident. She hasn’t cut herself since then, but she’s found other more indirect ways to hurt herself. If that... ‘corruption’ ever returns, though, she’s cut it off. Maybe that’s why it hasn’t been back. She cut it out. She bled the corruption away.</p>
<p>
  <i>‘Then why do I feel just as awful...’</i>
</p>
<p>Catra’s thoughts are interrupted by a knock on her door. She grabs the sleeve and hurriedly pulls the fabric down over her arm. Her teeth grit together as she winces from the friction.</p>
<p>“Message from Lord Hordak!”</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <b>Oh God.</b>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>‘He knows. He fucking knows. He knows what I did. This is it. My seconds are numbered. He’s going to torture me. He’s-‘</i>
</p>
<p>“Catra?!” Another, louder knock bangs against her door.</p>
<p>“What does he want?!” Catra snaps from across the room.</p>
<p>“C-could you open the door please?” The unmistakable voice of Kyle asks from the other side.</p>
<p>A few moments of silence passes. Kyle raises his hand shakily to knock again, but surprisingly, the door swings open. Catra stands in the doorway. Her hunched, shaking figure grips the doorknob, white knuckled. She stares at Kyle with eyes irritated from lack of sleep. Below them are dark circles for the same reason.</p>
<p>“Well?” Catra asks expectantly. Kyle, both surprised and concerned, was distracted by her unkempt appearance.</p>
<p>“Um, he...” Kyle pulls out a quickly written note from his pants pocket. “He says he wants you to meet him in his sanctum.”</p>
<p>“That’s it? Any details?!” Catra releases the doorkob and balls her hands into fists. Her eyes watch him, unblinking.</p>
<p>“N-no, that’s all.” Kyle crumples the note up in a hurry and shoves the paper back into his pocket. While Catra is processing what to say or how to react to this news, Kyle takes the moment to fast walk away.</p>
<p>
  <i>‘Maybe I could escape... maybe I could run away. I don’t have to do this, do I? I could leave the Fright Zone without a trace.’</i>
</p>
<p>Catra stares blankly down the long corridor Kyle disappeared into. Her body trembles and her thin fur stands on end.</p>
<p>
  <i>‘No, I have no place in the world out there. Maybe I could run up to the roof before Hordak notices I’m not coming. I could kill myself before he does. I could finally end it all.’</i>
</p>
<p>Catra’s eyes are close to the same color. The vibrant azure and gold they once were have both faded into a dried, veiny, red hue. Everything is blurry.</p>
<p>
  <i>‘No, I can’t go out like a coward. I can’t die knowing I’m the weak, worthless child Shadow Weaver thought I was... Besides. I’ll deserve every bit of torture I get.’</i>
</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>“Lord Hordak.” Catra kneels on shaking legs. Her head bows and she stares down at the metal plated flooring. Her pupils are thin slits.</p>
<p>“Ah, Catra.” The deep voice echoes throughout the sanctum. Catra’s ears twitch as she hears his loud footsteps walking closer. They stop right in front of her, and she can see his shadow looming over her.</p>
<p>A cold finger touches the underside of her chin, lifting it up to face the one who made her shudder in fear.</p>
<p>“Good news, Force Captain.” Hordak releases Catra’s chin and motions for her to stand up. “Though I am unsure if the portal succeeded in signaling Horde Prime to our location-“ Catra stands up, wobbling as she does so. Hordak turns around and strolls in the direction of the throne. “-Our spies have reported that the queen of Bright Moon is deceased, on behalf of the portal opening.” Hordak turns around to face Catra. “I must applaud you for your effort in this victory, Catra. My earlier castigation was a lapse in my judgement, and...” Hordak grimaces as he says the last few words. “I apologize.”</p>
<p>Catra stares blankly through Hordak. <i>‘I... he... I did good... He is... praising me.’</i> Catra blinks a few times to recover from the shock of the unexpected. She focuses on Hordak’s glowing, red eyes. <i>’He is praising me... for murder... I murdered someone... I murdered the queen... I MURDERED THE QUEEN!’</i> Catra grins and throws her head back, laughing hysterically.</p>
<p>“I murdered the queen!” She shouts, laughing a few more times before somewhat gaining her composure. “Thank you, Lord Hordak, this is good news.”</p>
<p>“Indeed it is. Because of such, I will be rewarding you with a new mission...”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Bet you didn’t expect me to be nice to Catra ;) Well, I guess as “nice” as this chapter is, at least she’s not being hurt again.</p>
<p>Is the title cool or dumb? The XXXs are to fill in the blank with either suicide or homicide if you didn’t get it.</p>
<p>Anyways sorry this one is a little short. I’ve been doing better mentally the past few days, which is good, but I also don’t like to write dark topics when I’m in a good mood. Makes me sad lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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